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Quick clean jokes to tell the family

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space,

“Lord,” he said.. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”

 

 

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”

 

Jonboy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Jonboy replies: “In the car.” “Well that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy

 

 

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?”

The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

 

 

Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.

He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no”

 

 

Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.”

“Oh dear,” John replies. “What’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies: “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” says the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

Dr O’Mahony replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

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